Hello Dr. Randy, my relationships with men always fall apart (Sascha, 42 years)
I came out two years ago. In the meantime I am 42 years old. I used to have longer relationships with women, but at some point I realized that I was gay.
I am doing very well with my outing. I finally have the feeling that I can be me.
What I notice though is that my relationships with men don't seem to last long. I meet a lot of guys, sometimes we date for a few weeks and then I get ghosted. What am I doing wrong?
Surely none of this can be a coincidence!
LG, Sascha
Dear Sasha,
First of all, I am very happy that you are happy with your outing. It's a pity that you haven't had too good an experience so far.
Many men find that it sometimes takes a little time to find your way around the scene. I can't tell you why it hasn't worked out for you yet to find a steady partner.
However, it may well be that the mix of a new situation and a bit of "bad luck" has caused you to end up with guys who may not currently be looking for a committed relationship.
Unfortunately, the scene is more often confronted with the prejudice that many men here are just looking for sex. However, this is not true! There are quite a few long-term relationships that prove that it is quite possible to find the "Great Love".
However, the dating world has changed due to the new technical possibilities, among other things. There's no question about that. Nowadays, it is much easier to get to know people - for example, via chats.
Surely you have already experienced that you meet the most diverse types here. From the one night stand to the guy who is looking for "something long-term", just about everything is represented here.
You seem to know exactly what you expect. You have no desire for adventure, but would like - ideally - a firm commitment. This is exactly what you should express in the chats where you look for your dating partners. There is no point in pretending, only to find out afterwards that your interests diverge too clearly. Therefore, it is neither stuffy nor boring to emphasize in the conversations before the first meeting that you have no desire for ONS or the like.
However, be sure to give yourself time to find your way around the scene. Everything is new at the moment. The good news, however, is that it's not because of the scene or you that no long-term relationship is likely to develop at the moment. Sometimes it takes a little luck to find the Great Love. I am quite sure that you will eventually find exactly the man who shares your view. Especially in the age group from 40, in which you are moving, many gays (as well as heteros) want to arrive.
To answer your question: you are not doing anything "wrong". Just make sure that you don't put yourself under too much pressure. With a little relaxation and the good feeling that the right person is waiting somewhere, everything usually works a little easier. A "practical" side effect: the more relaxed you are, the more healthy self-confidence you radiate. And that's exactly what can be incredibly attractive to others.
I wish you much success in your search for your dream partner!
Your Dr. Randy
I am sad ... Because my friend has left me
I know the problem all too well. I have the same problem with friendships. These hold with me also only 1-2 years. A relationship I've never had until now, but I do not give up.