Servus Dr. Randy, my partner has left me and I am very bad with it. (Dirk, 52 years)
My boyfriend and I were together for about three years. Now it's all over. And although I have been through several breakups and was actually sure that nothing could shake me in this respect, it has caught me cold. I don't think I've ever had such a bad heartbreak in my life.
Of course, I have already talked to him and tried to convince him about us. Nothing has worked. He is of the opinion that he now wants to live his life alone and that all this has nothing to do with me (allegedly).
I feel like a teenager, although I am already over 52 years old. I've even called the telephone counselling service... Which I've never done. But the whole thing has not really helped me.
Actually, I just want my old life back!
Thanks and kiss, Dirk
Dear Dirk,
I'm sure most of you reading these lines can understand your pain. Almost everyone has suffered from heartbreak at some point. Unfortunately, this knowledge does not bring you much. And yet I can almost promise you that you will soon feel better again.
Since your ex-boyfriend says that he, not you, is the reason why he chose to be single, you have comparatively little leeway. Because: it's not about you giving up smoking, flirting less with others or being more interested in him. The "problem" is with him. (Problem in quotation marks because it is of course perfectly legitimate to decide to be single).
He wants to enjoy his freedom and be independent. The fact that he takes care beforehand that he doesn't put a strain on your relationship can actually - quite soberly - be credited to him. There are so many people who do not dare to separate and instead lead a kind of "parallel life" that cannot be combined in any way with a trusting, honest partnership.
However, this is not about your ex, but about you. You want to be happy again and you will be. Now it is especially important that you listen to yourself and your feelings. You are sad? Cry. You are angry? Go for a walk around the block or do some sports! It is important that you allow yourself to feel your emotions.
At the same time, you should ask yourself what is good for you. Many people are not nice to themselves in everyday life. Especially when your emotional world is so out of joint, it is even more important to pamper yourself. Whether bathing, playing video games, cooking or, or, or... YOU know best what you enjoy!
However, if you find that you are unable to pull yourself out of your hole, it is not a problem to seek help. Your call to the telephone counselling service showed that you don't seem to have a problem with this in principle. If your mood worsens, you can always seek advice from a psychotherapist. There are many people who sooner or later suffer particularly badly from lovesickness. Even experts agree that it is NOT a trifle. Therefore, seek help when you need it.
However, as a first step, it is also important to accept your ex-boyfriend's boundaries. For his sake and yours. The clearer the separation is now (please also best to refrain from messages and calls), the greater the likelihood that you get your "old life" - as you write - back again. Maybe or probably without your ex, but as a (again) happy person.
I wish you all the best!
Your Dr. Randy
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