I have a big fear of coming out (Philip 21 years)
Hello Dr. Randy,
I'm Philip and I'm 21 years old. Thinking back, I've actually known for a few years that I have no interest in women. Yes, I am gay and have even had some experiences with men in the past.
I know that it is absolutely "okay" and that I will certainly be happy with a loving partner at some point. However, I am extremely afraid to talk about my gayness with those around me. Especially the thought of my parents' reaction worries me. My father is very conservative and - I think - my mother wants almost nothing more than to become a grandma someday. What should I do? I sometimes feel like it's tearing me apart inside when I'm approached about not having a girlfriend yet,
Love, Philip
Dear Philip,
Thank you very much for your mail. First of all, I am glad that you have recognized the most important thing for you. Because you write "I know that this is absolutely 'okay' ...". This is an enormous advantage. Of course, you don't have to be ashamed of your feelings! Unfortunately, there is also no secret recipe for the "perfect" coming out.
You alone decide when the right time is. If you are afraid to open up to your parents, you can of course start with other people, for example your friends, and see how they react.
Very important: self-confidence and the good feeling that you stand by yourself 100 percent in this special moment.
However, don't expect everyone around you to be immediately excited. Many of your loved ones may be a little caught off guard at first. That's okay. Give them a little time to come to terms with the new situation. Also and of course especially your parents. Maybe they already have a premonition?
One thing is certain: most of the worries that gay men have about coming out are usually completely unfounded, because the environment usually reacts more relaxed than expected. Besides, this is about you - only about you. If your mother wishes to have grandchildren, you can of course make this wish possible for her (if YOU want it at all) by adopting them, if necessary. The rights of gays (and lesbians) in our society are continuously being expanded. Of course, you can also start a family as a gay man!
Judging by your writing, it would - in my opinion - only torment you even more if you continued to carry your homosexuality around with you as a kind of secret, without dealing with it openly.
However, refrain from coming out "between doors", but plan enough time. If you leave your loved ones enough room for questions or emphasize that nothing will change between you, of course, you will usually create a relaxed environment.
I wish you all the best and would love for you to let me know how your parents reacted to your coming out.
Kind regards
Dr. Randy
Also interesting: How do I keep a relationship? Or What to do if I cheated on him.
Yes, with the outen is not so easy, I also do not have the courage am 31 years old and believe that I am gay. Greeting Kevin
Hi, I think you should tell Kevin first to those you trust. Next, those you know well and can assess. And only as the last those who want to patronize you or stamp you. I stand above what others say I don't care. I must be allowed to live my life as you live yours. Equality. Who has questions can ask but there must be time. I would believe I in your place with a friend or if you have your dear man there and he watches you play cheers you on and then you kiss each other briefly on the mouth ready to know it all and it will be so that some do not care about others will ask questions. But if someone insults you or excludes you is to report to a higher authority that is not possible! When men play soccer women are chancellors masters gay and (US President Trump stupid )these are all examples that are also possibilities. Who therefore reckon with everything and wapne you before this step overcome the fear. And stand by your feelings. Who knows that he will always be gay should take this step as soon as he is ready for it regardless of what others say, think, mean or do. Tolerance is the highest good in Germany is in the constitution. I quote. The dignity of man is inviolable. To respect and protect it is the obligation of all state power.
Is the first article in the Basic Law that has existed for everyone who lives in Germany and has existed up to the Federal Court of Justice. So in that respect the law is on your side. As for your feelings, you have to make a decision. But hide should nimand have to, because he or she or Ts are what the people decide for themselves. You can read the GG Basic Law with pleasure times I find it belongs in every household. That creates a small legal security in some days. And also helps with decisions. Who must be afraid to go on the street, because he lives as he wants it would be a violation of the law. (Human rights )
Attitudes and conservative or right are always relegable at some point. No matter what psition he or she has. Laws apply to everyone. No matter if Trener Maneger or the simple little citizen like you and me. Open encounter open decision public law
You are a young man who loves men then do that send the girls away and wink at a cute boy. That's fine who can't accept that should read constitution for example. You can mention it in passing. I admit I walk around town and look every young man on the ass na and what do they want to do anerd. I am 26 years old. And I will not submit to any imaginary rules or conventions that are not in the seed. Ways of thinking are nothing werdt that you can not justify. Also just a tip. For all situations in life. A sense of the life is it to make the life on the earth better all the same in which regard. In your one way to find the open freedom of yourself that is harder than a conversation with a couple of other people no matter what you feel for them. You have to live with your decision and the longer you wait the harder it could be. Better an end with horror than horror without end. I believe in all young men who still want to take this step and I would continue to stand up for you. The older ones have life experience that can show us what openness and tolerance mean. All the best for you Kevin.
Wishes the master1 (Florian)
Hello I would also like to say something about it,
I have fallen in love with a boy, we both have had sex several times, which I also like and him too. Somehow I do not dare to tell my parents that I am gay and also have a boyfriend with whom I am happy. My other comrades know nothing about it, because again and again such sayings come, we hate gays or gays are disgusting, gays =Drecksau and and and.Therefore I hide my gay being there.
Hello YES understand people who don't want to confess and come out, give YOURSELF AS YOU ARE AND STAND BY IT, this exists in the whole world and also with animals LOVE ? and SEX BELONGS TO SEX BUT NOT AT ALL CAN YOU HAVE SEX WITHOUT LOVE ? AND YOU CAN LOVE WITHOUT HAVING SEX LGG WALTER
so I must say, the post is really well written and I'm also the one to be honest also afraid to officially Outen, Although as it is already above, no reason for it. Is actually all only head thing.
Oh Bernardo, you had to take a really extreme step, I have the utmost respect for the path you took.
Have you ever managed to get back on good terms with your mother?
I'm only 19 years young and I don't really dare to take this step, I know that I like boys and men but as a sportsman I feel like I always have to have the most beautiful girls around me, even though I don't like it.
But even in the soccer club I would be downgraded from the number 1 striker to the "faggot" position.
Or how people would talk about me on Insta and the like or how my family would react.
I'm somehow way too scared of that, even though I know that I need this step to "be free" ?
Do you Bernardo or anyone have a good idea how I should handle this?
Thanks in advance Kevin
Yes there are also more complicated coming out I am today 69 I had with 24 a wife and two small children I knew I am gay have thrown me into sports profession training only to have no time and to put away it did not work. After graduation at 31 I was ready to either leave the family or leave the life which is not an option because the children need so or so a father if it is then already times. My mother wrote me she had a son less all friends we had have withdrawn. I moved in with a lover and the children could come to us when they wanted to. Today I am a grandfather and my daughters love me more than anything. The short excerpt from my extremely eventful life shows go your way and everything will be fine.
That was a very funny story with me:
I had a classmate with me in my room to study. When we had gone through the material, we cuddled a little and kissed. Suddenly my little brother stood in the room, of course without knocking. At dinner, my brother had nothing better to do than to make his knowledge known. My mother reacted quite cool, she said calmly that it is usual to kiss each other if you love each other. My father looked a bit irritated and asked me why I hadn't come out with it on my own. I then explained that I was quite afraid of it.
But this incident showed me that it is usually much easier to tell the truth. Unfortunately, there are still a few stubborn people who don't want to accept that you should live your life the way you want to.
Hello Dr. Randy,
That was a very inspiring speech for coming out, I think.
I think that Philip and the other readers will certainly take an example and dare to come out more encouraged, as soon as they have not yet done so.
Kind regards Arno