Is my crush gay too?

Hey Dr. Randy, how do I know if my loved one is gay too? (Ali, 18 years)

I am 18 years old and not outed as gay. So far, so good. My problem is that I don't know if the guy I like so much is like me. Admittedly, we don't know each other that well yet. And the fact that I know him from training (we started at the same company at the same time) doesn't make it any easier.

I don't feel like asking him out on a date, getting turned down, and then - in the worst case - getting laughed at.

Thanks for the help, Ali 

Dear Ali,

yes, life could be so simple if you could look other people IN the head. Unfortunately, however, this is not possible. This means that sooner or later you will probably have to take the initiative in some way - unless your crush goes on a flirting spree of their own accord.

As a first step, it can help to find out a little more about him. Maybe you meet in the canteen for lunch together? If you ask him if he wants to take a break with you, he shouldn't feel like he's being hit on, even if he's straight. You can also find out a lot through innocuous small talk. Talk to him about his circle of friends! If he should have a girlfriend, he will surely (without ulterior motives and quite incidentally) simply tell you.

If not, you can "investigate further", for example, by talking about regular bars and the like. Perhaps he tells you that he likes to visit a certain scene meeting and thus creates clarity? Maybe he is also into you and deals with the same questions as you?

Unfortunately, you can only prepare such conversations, but not completely clock them through. That's why it takes a bit of sensitivity not to open the door.

But even in the case that you should judge him as "gay", although he is not at all, you - with a tolerant, open person - usually do not have to worry about being laughed at. It would already speak for a bad character if your crush would make fun of you.

However, it is best to always keep in mind that there is actually no reason to open the door. Don't by hook or by crook try to find out "right now" whether he is gay or not! In the course of time, you will get to know each other better - perhaps also through other colleagues - and you will certainly be able to assess him more and more reliably until you eventually take heart.

Good luck!

Kind regards
Dr. Randy

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