Hello Dr. Randy, my partner is into BDSM but I am not at all (Achim, 47 years)
Moin, I am the Achim and 47 years old and my problem you can already read above: My boyfriend has started in recent weeks more and more to read into topics around BDSM. The problem: I can not really do anything with it.
At the beginning, I honestly didn't really think about his interest in whips and the like. How do you say it? I thought it was a phase.
But that's exactly what it's obviously not. Again and again he talks about how he would like to try out the different practices with me. But I don't want to. At the same time, I don't want to lose him. What can we do?
All the best and thank you, Achim
Dear Achim,
delicate subject! Especially because you have to honestly admit that there are no compromises here. Or is there? The answer to this question depends a little on your attitude.
From your lines I read out that your friend has made himself quite smart in terms of BDSM, but you have absolutely no interest in this. That's okay! Especially in sex, after all, everything should be voluntary. But what does "BDSM" actually mean to you? I ask because many people associate with BDSM exclusively the hardcore area.
However, there are also gradations and accordingly "softer" practices, such as spanking and Co. Or in other words: for BDSM you don't necessarily need clamps, electricity and similar devices.
Accordingly, there are two options:
- You wonder how much BDSM you want to allow in your love life. If you have no problem with a little harder sex, you can try the whole thing - together with your sweetheart. Of course, only up to the limit that is okay for you.
- However, if you are exclusively into classic (or, to put it bluntly, "flowery") sex, then that's also perfectly okay. It would only be fair if you communicate this to your partner.
You notice: one way or another - there is a need to talk!
Talk to your boyfriend about what practices he is interested in and ask yourself to what extent you could give his desires a chance in bed. If his fantasies are too hard for you, talk to him about it.
A relationship is not only built on sex! On the contrary! The trust that your boyfriend shows you just by formulating his wishes is certainly the envy of many people.
Therefore: don't let yourself be unsettled and find a solution together that satisfies both of you - in the truest sense of the word.
If your boyfriend absolutely does not want to give up his "erotic portion of pain", by the way, there are also some sex toys from the BDSM area that he can use alone. How about a joint trip to the sex store? If you have possibly found something that you both enjoy, he may also find it very erotic to know that you don't share his passion, but have no problem with him doing something good for himself.
All the best,
your Dr. Randy
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