Help Dr. Randy! My boyfriend cheated on me, what should I do? (Hans, 61 years)
My boyfriend recently confessed to me that he cheated on me. Supposedly he was drunk and also has a hard time remembering everything. Allegedly.
I am now torn. Actually, cheating has always been a no-go for me. I have always said that if someone cheats on me, I will leave him immediately. But we've been together for three years and of course you wonder if you shouldn't forgive. After all, we've had a lot of happy times too. Can you give me some advice?
Kind regards Hans
Dear Hans,
Let's first talk about the actual situation: your boyfriend cheated on you, took heart (for sure) and confessed everything to you. I am sure that this was a step that was not easy for him. This aspect speaks for your relationship at first. Alternatively, he could have let his misstep rest. Probably you would never have found out that way. But maybe you would? You don't know. One thing is certain: Your friend has opened up to you.
What followed was a mix of disappointment and hurt. And that is absolutely normal. After all, your trust was abused - even if it was in alcohol. It is clear that it now takes time to process the whole thing.
The question now is rather what you do with this new situation. Of course I can't tell you what the future will bring or even give you the advice "Give each other another chance!" or "Leave him!". That is not in my power.
However, I can tell you that there are many couples who, in retrospect, were or are glad to have given each other a second chance. After all, it seems to be important to your boyfriend to save your relationship. He probably hates himself for risking your love.
From my position, I can only advise you to listen to your gut feeling. Do you have the impression that he is sincere with you? Especially if this is the first slip (as I read your mail, he has not cheated on you before?), the probability that he is actually honestly fighting for you is very high.
Therefore: trust your feeling. But: if you give you another chance, you absolutely have to be honest with yourself. Can you really forgive him without having to harp on his misstep again the next time you have an argument? Forgiving means not forgetting, but also not holding his cheating against him again at the next opportunity.
At the same time, however, you should also keep in mind that your good nature must not be exploited in this context. If your boyfriend has problems with being faithful in the future, it is of course necessary to re-evaluate the situation.
If these conditions are met, it can actually make sense not to end such a fragile relationship - provided, of course, that you do not suffer too much and that the doubts about his honesty do not wear you down. Listen to yourself and ask yourself what is good for you.
I wish you all the best!
Kind regards
Dr. Randy
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