Hello Dr. Randy, My best buddy quit my friendship after my outing (Marcel, 19 years).
I am completely desperate. I have known that I am gay for about two years. I've had secret affairs on and off, but have decided that I now want to be public about being gay.
Since I had a lot of fear about my outing anyway, I figured I could best start with my buddy. We know each other since kindergarten (!), so the trust factor is high. Unfortunately, however, my buddy did not react at all as I had hoped.
At first he thought it was a joke and laughed at me. After that he became serious and said that then our friendship was history. After all, he didn't want "God and the world" to think that he was gay, too. That was the last I heard from him. Since then we have had no more contact with each other. That was a week ago.
I am very sad, especially because now I am afraid that others will also react so negatively.
LG, Marcel
Dear Marcel,
I can imagine how you feel. One of the people you trust the most has left you out in the cold.
It's not uncommon for people to react shocked (and sometimes a little aggressively) to coming out. Some people feel they've been put before their heads, others feel betrayed.
Of course, this is not the case, but: to some it just seems that way.
I would wait in your place and give your buddy time. Maybe it's just the initial shock talking. It would be a bit surprising if only the fact that you are gay would make him not want to have anything more to do with you. A real friend stands by the other person. No question about it.
But maybe he is already sorry for his behavior and wonders how he could apologize? The fact is: You don't know. But it's definitely not your job to run after him now.
Wait and see. He may contact you in the coming days. If so, you must of course consider whether you can forgive him. At the same time, I think it makes sense to tell him - if a conversation should arise - that his behavior has hurt you very much.
However, it would be unfair to draw conclusions about others from him. Of course you are afraid now, because you have seen that a positive reaction to an outing is by no means a matter of course. But just because your buddy reacted that way, it doesn't mean that others will do the same. Surely, you just need a positive reaction to become a little more confident again. However, take your time. If you don't feel like it right now, you shouldn't come out right away, but wait until the dust has settled in your soul.
In any case, I don't think that what happened has to ensure that your friendship is over. If your buddy apologizes to you honestly (!) and you can forgive him, there is certainly nothing standing in the way of a harmonious relationship. And if it turns out that he doesn't want any more contact just because you're gay, maybe it's time to admit to yourself that he wasn't as loyal a friend as he originally seemed. In that case, it's certainly best to let him go - even if it's hard.
I wish you all the best as you continue to come out!
Your Dr. Randy
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Hey, I'd be interested to know how the story ended and whether this "friend" could imagine another acquaintance after all.
From my own experience, I can say that many people are reluctant to come out. I often had the feeling that others reacted positively, but then the contact was broken off.
I've learned that I simply don't need these people if they don't accept me for who I am, but I've also learned that sometimes it's better not to tell others that you're gay. If others (e.g. work colleagues or members of the swimming club) don't ask, you don't have to talk about your sexuality at all. It's simply not relevant in many situations and I can also understand that others don't want to know.
Of course, I don't hide and if someone specifically asks about it, I admit it. For example, my work colleagues only know that I live with a man and that we go on vacation together, but I haven't explicitly mentioned that he's my boyfriend. It's none of their business and no one has explicitly asked me about it. (It's possible that they think they know, but I don't care)
I'm 33 now, but in the beginning (when I was 19 and admitted to myself that I was gay), I also thought that everyone should know, but over the years I've realized that I want to be seen and accepted as a person first and foremost and not be labeled as gay. There are people who are tolerant of homosexuality but don't feel it's appropriate (or important) to talk about it and that should be tolerated!
For example, I also find it annoying when others constantly tell me about their illnesses and others probably feel the same way when people are always talking about their sexuality. Both of these are private matters and not everyone's business!
In the case of a long-time acquaintance or best friend, however, it's a different story and a friendship based on trust naturally involves accepting the other person for who they are!
Hey Marcel,
First of all, I think it was the right way for you but unfortunately apparently net the friend you believed what I find a real pity ... in my eyes it depends absolutely net on what kind of love a man represents but what values he carries in himself !!!! ... finally you like someone because of his personality / character and find it sad that there are still people gibbet the homosexuality (generally )as not normal recognize and have problems with the counterpart what but the values of the person net changed according to the motto LOVE IS LOVE !!!! ... Ask me often the question why it is apparently tolerated by the population funny way among women rather than under men (head shaking) ... You have defi STRENGTH proven what you should be defi PROUD of it and therefore nu may put you in the shade 😉 ... the most important thing is ultimately that you remain true to yourself and continue to stand by your decision ... that shows now times that you believe in yourself and PLEASE do not let anyone falsify by such a kind of reaction !!!! ... from me also some friends have turned away because I am nen BiBoy but these people have then also my friendship net earned if they do not stand behind me 🙂 ... that needs nen bissl time to realize it yourself because of the initial pain but then you will realize that you have to carry the blame on your shoulders because you have drawn the decision to be clean with you what is IMPORTANT ... lg, feel pressed and stay as you are and please do not disguise for anyone because that is not necessary!!!