Help, Dr. Randy, my partner is humiliating me. I can't take it anymore! (Karsten, 46 years)

I am Karsten, I am 46 years old and I have been together with my boyfriend for over seven years. We often move in the BDSM scene, which turns me on personally very much. But this is also not the real problem.

Unfortunately, I have noticed for some time that my boyfriend takes what we do in bed into everyday life. I don't know how to explain it. Sometimes he really insults me in front of our friends. He says I'm stupid, incompetent and generally too fat. The whole thing went so far the other day that I got up and left.

I think there's a huge difference between role-playing in bed and actually making my partner feel like they're not worth anything.

Somehow I don't want to separate. But slowly I don't see any way out. He doesn't take me seriously when I complain about it.

I hope you can help, thanks your Karsten

My friend humiliates me

Dear Karsten,

you are right. Of course, BDSM does not mean to put the other person under psychological pressure - but that's exactly what your friend is doing right now!

Unfortunately, you do not write how exactly you talked to him. I would be interested to know what you told him and how. But even if you may not have found the words that reflect your feelings, it is not right not to take the other seriously.

To me, the whole thing actually seems as if you are very desperate and sad with the overall situation. No wonder! After all, you certainly don't want to live in fear of your boyfriend and the next humiliation.

Therefore, I would like to advise you to talk to him again as a first step. Explain to him in a matter-of-fact but firm manner that you will not let him deal with you in this way.

Optionally, you can also inform yourself with regard to relevant help offers. There are many places that can help you with this problem. For example, many affected people opt for couples therapy. Here you have the opportunity to receive individual counseling.

However, if the fronts are extremely hardened and if your boyfriend does not show any understanding, you should seriously ask yourself whether this relationship is worth fighting for. Stress of this kind can not only negatively affect your quality of life, but also make you seriously ill.

Now it is even more important to appear self-confident and to address everything that bothers you. Of course, it's best to talk directly to your boyfriend and not just to buddies or girlfriends from your circle of acquaintances. The problem concerns both of you, so you should both be interested - as hard as it sounds - in saving your relationship. This is not about one man getting upset that the other one always forgets to close the toothpaste tube. It's about emotional hurt, even though your boyfriend may not want to admit it yet.

Therefore: talk to him and tell him how much his behavior hurts you. Unfortunately, many people - not only within a partnership - confuse disrespectful insults with honesty. Make clear to him the seriousness of the situation and draw consequences from his reaction that you can live with.

I wish you all the best!
Your Dr. Randy

 

Do you have any other tips? We would like to test out BDSM

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