Hi Dr. Randy, I think my dad is gay. (Chris, 23 years)
Where do I start? I came out about two years ago and I remember that my father in particular reacted very harshly. If I had still lived at home at that time, he would have kicked me out for sure. Anyway, the other day I saw in the browser history of his laptop that he was looking at gay porn.
Not just one! Actually, I found a complete collection of porn with men. Is my father gay himself? And if so, what does that mean for my mother?
I have no idea how to deal with this. If I talk to him about it, he will surely freak out anyway. However, the issue is bothering me a lot. I've seen what I've seen and I can't do it like this either.
Love greetings Chris
Dear Chris,
First of all, I am of course sorry that you had such a bad experience with your own outing. In fact, there are many gay men who deliberately act particularly anti-gay in order not to "blow the whistle". Of course, I can't tell you 100 percent whether your father is one of them.
If you want to know if your father's preferences have changed (or maybe they always have), you really need to talk to him directly. There is no point in making assumptions here.
Do you get along well otherwise? Then a "conversation among men" would be a good idea, in which you point out to him what you have found. Talking to parents about their own sexuality is always difficult, of course. The likelihood that your dad here will say casually and along the lines of "Yes, I like looking at naked men because it turns me on!"is low.
Another option would be to have your mother watch the movies? There are indeed many questions that find it exciting when two men have sex with each other. But as I said, conjecture won't get anyone anywhere here.
Talk to your father if you want clarity. However, also accept that it may be that he blocks. If he doesn't and comes out to you, you can discuss the next steps. Maybe your mother already knows or suspects something?
In the long run, it is certainly difficult for him to maintain the relationship, because in a way he is lying to himself. In this case, you should try to think completely selflessly and give your father exactly the freedom you would have liked to have had from the beginning.
An older age and homosexuality are not mutually exclusive. On the contrary! Many men recognize their inclinations to the opposite sex only late. Your father would not be an exception here. However, since there are other possible explanations for the gay porn on his computer, you should not plan the second step before the first.
Kind regards
Dr. Randy
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