Hello, Dr. Randy, My boyfriend always wants to sleep separately (Sven, 38 years)

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and now want to move in together. "By the way" he announced to me today that it is important to him to have separate bedrooms. Hello? I'm not 80+, I'm 38 and I think it's great when my husband is next to me. It just seems very distant to me right now and I felt really put out. Am I exaggerating? This opinion is my friend, but I could just freak out again!

Kind regards Sven

He wants to sleep separately. What is wrong with him?

Hello Sven,

I can imagine that you were very surprised when your boyfriend told you how he imagines your life together. At the same time, it should be said that there are now actually many couples who sleep in separate beds. This does not necessarily mean that the happiness of your relationship is on the line.

In other words, has your boyfriend explained why he prefers to sleep alone? Many men(and of course women) justify the whole thing with the fact that their partner snores and it is not possible for them to fall asleep and sleep through the night. Perhaps this is also the case with you? But even if you don't snore, it could be that your husband is one of those people who prefer to sleep alone. In principle, there is nothing wrong with this.
Imagine if he forced himself to sleep in bed with you every night and was irritated and easily upset the next morning? This would be an alternative that would certainly not do either of you any favors.

But I also find it particularly interesting that you don't seem to fear that your sex life might suffer from the separate bedrooms? That's good! This is a classic prejudice, which is often used, but can usually not be confirmed in everyday life. There are so many places (and times) where you can have sex. Of course, you don't have to limit yourself to the night and only to the bedroom.

But between the lines I read one thing above all: anger. You obviously feel set back and it is difficult for you to stick to yourself. I would recommend you to talk to your husband in any case. Always important: You should not try to convince him or force him to do something he does not want to do. But it is also useful if he knows that you do not really agree with his proposal. Maybe some kind of "compromise" can be found? As long as you talk to each other, nothing is lost.

And by the way, there are even many couples who pack sleeping in separate beds into their sex lives in an erotic way. If you fancy each other, it can be fun to work with certain signs. Optionally, you can also book a hotel room together and enjoy some sexy quality time - virtually with an announcement. This way, mutual bed visits become something special in your relationship's everyday life.

In short: It would certainly be much too far-fetched to assume "worst case" scenarios "only" because of separate bedrooms. The fact that his attitude hurts you on an emotional level is another matter. However, if you remember that his desire for his own bed has 99 percent nothing to do with you, it will certainly be easier for you to deal with the overall situation in a more relaxed way.

Your Dr. Randy


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