Hello Dr. Randy, my friend is still in contact with his ex (Lasse, 32 years).
I've been dating a guy for about two weeks. At 32, we both finally want "something serious" and have changed our relationship status in the social networks. So you could assume that we are in agreement on this point and are on the same track.
I also believe him that he loves me or has deep feelings for me, but it bothers me incredibly that he still has contact with his ex.
Sometimes they joke about experiences from the past. I always feel so left out. His ex is currently single and "no child of sadness". How do I know that the two of them won't slip up at some point?
Help, Lasse
Dear Lasse,
difficult situation. On the one hand, you don't want to restrict your boyfriend, but on the other hand, your alarm bells go off when you think that he still has contact with his ex.
In the first step, I would like to reassure you a little. There are ex-partners who can be platonic friends with each other. Simply because they have recognized that they do not fit together relationship-wise.
To me it sounds like you don't have to worry too much here. Sure: I can't look into your friend's head, but usually it's rather a bad sign when said ex-partners meet WITHOUT the new partner and accordingly secretly. This doesn't seem to be the case with you/you guys. Because: you tell about jokes that the two make and that you do not understand (yet?).
First of all, I would advise you to step out of the victim role a bit and make it clear to your boyfriend's ex-boyfriend in a nice but firm way that YOU are now number one for your partner. Example? If you don't get a joke, ask! This shows that you're interested and that you're not afraid to follow up. At the same time, it could help communication between you and your partner's ex. In such cases, it often turns out that fears are largely unfounded.
At the same time, you should also talk to your boyfriend. Talk to him about the fact that you feel uncomfortable when he spends a lot of time with his ex. It is important that you do not act reproachfully, but neutrally.
It would be best if you expressed that you understand that he would like to still have contact with his ex, but he should also understand you. Unfortunately, there is no compromise here. "Half meetings" with the ex do not exist and it would certainly be wrong to put a gun to your boyfriend's head and force him to break off contact.
What you can do now? You can build up your self-confidence, assert your position in this three-way constellation, and at the same time seek a conversation with your boyfriend. Don't let worries ruin the first time of being in love. If you trust your boyfriend and possibly even realize that his ex is at least to some extent "okay", your problems should appear much more discreetly in the future.
However, if there are no-go's, such as two-way meetings between your boyfriend and his ex, I would encourage you to address them naturally. In this way, you are not putting him under pressure, but simply making your boundaries clear. And that's exactly what is allowed (and important) in a relationship of equals, of course.
All the best for you!
Your Dr. Randy
Am I too incompetent or why doesn't a relationship work?