Hello Dr. Randy,
I am desperate. About three months ago I broke up with my boyfriend. It just didn't fit anymore and we drifted apart. And now stalking is the order of the day for me.
Of course, it's always easier for the one who leaves, and I knew that my friend would have to nibble at the end of the relationship. But I didn't expect the whole thing to degenerate like this.
He bombards me with messages through all channels. Wherever I am - be it in the supermarket - he is also conspicuously often.
In the meantime, he has also started to badmouth me to our mutual friends. At the same time, he regularly sends me flowers and gifts - often even with photos of us as "postcards". He knows that I can't (and don't want to) imagine a future together with him, but he won't give up. What should I do?
LG, Your Frederik
Dear Frederik,
As you said, the one who leaves always has it easier. But that is no reason to make your life hell. You have decided against your friend and he has to accept that - even if it is difficult for him.
He certainly seems to be a man of the persistent variety and it's really good that you're making your problem public. When people think of stalking, they often think of women who are stalked by their ex-partners. However, the fact that men can also become victims of stalking is unfortunately often forgotten in this context.
In the first step you have already acted correctly. Because: you have explained to your friend - as you write - that you see no future in your relationship. This is important. Many people who are stalked by their ex-partners unfortunately do not show a clear edge or are so intimidated and threatened that it is difficult to appear self-confident. This does not seem to be the case with you and your ex. Nevertheless, it is of course understandable that you want to have your peace.
You write that he sends you messages. In the first step, it is important that you stop exactly this stalking. Since he does not seem to respond to your requests, you have no choice but to block him. You can use this feature in connection with just about any messaging service. The same applies to social networks. Here, it's called "endfriendship or subscription" and block the user as well. You should not accept new friend requests from people you do not know in the future. Some stalkers create fake accounts.
I can't tell you why your ex keeps running into you. Maybe you post a lot of your free time activities on social networks? Does he know when you usually go shopping? If you really meet as often as you write, it might be hard to believe in a coincidence. This is where changing your shopping times or going shopping at other stores might help.
If blocking and changing your habits does not bring any improvement and if he continues to be so pushy, it is time to get help. There are many contact points that help stalking victims and also offer legal advice. Unfortunately, I can't tell you what your rights are in detail, because I don't know all the details. The professionals in the counseling centers will be happy to help you. But who knows? Maybe blocking your ex-boyfriend's number and accounts will soon solve your problem by itself? One thing is for sure: ask for help, protect yourself and don't allow your quality of life to be tarnished any further.
All the best!
Your Dr. Randy
Did you also have problems after your outing? My buddy quit my friendship after that!