Dear Dr. Randy my problem is that I always come too early (Arne, 26 years)
I'm a little embarrassed by my problem, especially since I'm only 26 years young. I always come too early. And when I write "always", I mean "always". My boyfriend actually knows perfectly well that the fun is over after a few minutes. I'm not just sorry about the whole thing. I feel stress every time we have sex. I can't remember the last time I really enjoyed sex. The whole thing gets me so down that I now reject my boyfriend and claim that I don't feel like it. I don't have to explain that this leads to discussions, do I? What should I do?
Many thanks, your Arne
Hello Arne,
Sex should be fun. If you put yourself under pressure of this kind, it's not really effective. But I admit that this is all easy to say. However, you don't have to give up. I am quite sure that in the long run a solution to your problem will be found.
However, in order to find this, it is important to first find out WHY you come so early. Was there perhaps a special trigger or was "a switch flipped" so to speak? In the first step it is important to clarify that the "I come tooearly" has no physical causes. Therefore, if the problem has actually existed for a long time, you should contact your family doctor. Don't worry! You don't have to be embarrassed. There are many men who suffer from premature ejaculation. So he should not be unfamiliar with the problem. He may refer you to a urologist.
Now that a physical cause may have been ruled out, it's time to take it a step further. Are you currently under stress? Granted: The latter usually ensures that men can NOT come. However, there are some cases where the opposite is true. If you are permanently under power, it makes sense - also apart from your sex life - to counteract this. Autogenic training, yoga and co. can help to bring you back into balance a little more.
At the same time, you can also try to change the way you have sex. If you notice, for example, that it won't be long until you come and think again, I'm coming too soon, you can take a little "break". "Nice side effect": IF you then come to orgasm, it is usually a little more intense. Often it also helps to mentally deal with something else shortly before the (not yet wanted) orgasm. For this to succeed, however, it takes a little practice and self-control.
Speaking of "self...":You can also practice delaying your orgasm while masturbating. Use the above-mentioned "pause" to determine for yourself when it's "ejaculation time" and when it's not(yet).
Basically, it is important that you do not put yourself under pressure. As you wrote yourself, the issue is now also putting a strain on your partnership. Therefore, it is even more important that you sit down with your boyfriend and talk about the problem. Surely it hurts him if you keep rejecting him, EVEN though you actually feel like it. What a pity!
Use the honest connection that you(hopefully) have and thus create a sound basis. In this way, you will certainly become a little calmer yourself. If your problem is not physical, it is even possible that the solution you are looking for is already hidden here. As passionate as sex can be: If you are not inwardly balanced and calm, you usually can't really enjoy it.
I wish you all the best!
Your Dr. Randy
Click here to continue: He wants to sleep separately