Dear Dr. Randy, I wanted to forgive him after his fling, but I can't!
My boyfriend had a fling a few months ago. At some point, his guilty conscience seems to have eaten him up and he confessed everything to me. Since we have been together for years, I decided at that time to forgive him. I thought to myself that you don't just throw away an otherwise very stable partnership.
In retrospect, however, I must say that I had imagined this "forgiveness" to be easier. I realize that I am still very angry (and also suspicious). What should I do?
Best thanks Mick, 43
Hello Mick,
You are indeed in a difficult situation. At the same time, however, I would like to emphasize that I think it is incredibly strong character on your part that you are trying to forgive his infidelity. This shows how much you obviously care about him. The fact that you cannot continue as before is actually only human. The ideal image of "forgive and forget" is - as I said - an IDEAL, which can be filled only with difficulty.
At the same time, of course, it would be a shame if your friend's misstep now constantly hung like a dark shadow over your relationship and no one trusted the other person anymore.
It is or was especially important in such a situation that you allow your feelings to be there. You were or are angry? Then express exactly that. Tell your friend how much he has hurt you. You are sad? Then it is also allowed to give room to your sadness, to cry and to stand by it. Every feeling that you eat into yourself will most likely make you feel worse afterwards.
Communication is essential in this context, but also on other levels. Talk to your boyfriend about the fact that you would like to forgive him for the infidelity, but do not feel able to do so (yet?). Maybe he understands you?
I don't know your partner, so of course I can't judge his character and attitude towards fidelity. However, I can tell you that the statement "If you cheat once, you will always cheat! It would therefore certainly be wrong to put your husband under "general suspicion".
Normally, I would conclude by writing that it is of course also important to think about alternatives, in this case the eventual separation. However, I am not sure whether this would be advisable in your case. You write that your partnership is otherwise stable. You decided FOR your boyfriend, although he hurt you very much. Therefore, I think it makes much more sense to rely on a mix of communication, feelings and empathy.
If you notice that you are not getting anywhere, it is definitely worth considering couples therapy. In joint sessions, you can work out what you value in each other and why your relationship is worth fighting for. Often, some things just need to be said in order to become aware that a relationship can survive even the most severe "storms".
I wish you all the best and hope that you will find the best possible solution for you - either together or with a couple therapist. In any case, you should lower your own expectations of yourself. Forgiving an infidelity does not mean forgetting. It is okay that the thought of what happened still makes you sad or angry. Maybe both. However, this does not mean that you are not allowed to look optimistically into the future.
Your Dr. Randy
Have you also always wondered: are poppers allowed?
Hello!
The relationship or cheating knows one, whether hetero, or?
In any case, you should seek professional advice, not from friends, family, work colleagues, etc.! !
Since the affected person usually suffers more than it has the appearance, only someone can give advice here, which has a not biased advice to the situation! This is therefore important, you never know if" alleged friends etc." could exploit the situation for themselves! Therefore, get foreign advice, then you can feel safer & does not suffer from the situation even more.
The best thing is always to talk to your partner alone, Why, Why, Why? We adults have already learned as children, then you understand "eventually?" why?
There is no lifetime guarantee, no matter whether for a woman or a man.
Kind regards K.G.
Yes, you're probably right my little but really very nice buddy.